TELLING YOUR CHILDREN: SPECIAL ADVICE FOR SINGLE MOTHERS

When a divorced, widowed, separated or single mom gets cancer, she's lacking the in-house support of another adult that married women can usually rely on.

"The challenges are greater for the single mom," says Ellen Zahlis, a researcher at the University of Washington, Seattle, who studies the impact of cancer on the family.

"She's just one person and she is ill. So presumably there is no well adult in the family who is also a caretaker. A lot of stuff falls on her when she is already depleted physically and emotionally."

Lack of energy to deal with day to day problems is a challenge for any mother dealing with cancer. For single moms, it might be doubly true.

Here, tips on how to tell your kids the news, how to cope, and how to keep the communication open:

First, Find Someone Outside to Lean On
"In the long run, it's better for both [mom and kids] if she finds someone else who can be the epicenter of her emotions, her feelings," Zahlis says. "Think about the people in your life who are good listeners, not the people who need to fix it for you, or who are the advice givers. There are many people with no [professional] training who are wonderful, gifted listeners."

Before hosting your family meeting to discuss the diagnosis, consider running your "script" by someone you trust, perhaps a friend who has children of the same age as yours. He or she might point out how to be more effective, alter the discussion to make it more age appropriate, or suggest you give the information in smaller bytes.

Let Go of the Super-Mom Image
"Single moms are more reticent to ask for help," says Zahlis, reiterating the
feedback she got in one study. "They are more fiercely independent," she says.

And if they do ask for outside help, many single moms worry about how they will return the favor.

One way Zahlis has persuaded single moms to drop the I-can-do-it-all-myself mantra is to frame it as this: "I need to ask someone else to listen or help me in this way, because it will provide the best outcome for my child."