There are no “crib sheets” for discussing cancer with your employee. However, there are some general guidelines you can follow to make sure your words provide comfort, and are considerate and careful. 

What to Say

How to Talk about a Cancer Diagnosis: While you probably want to steer clear of asking specific questions about your employee’s illness, treatment and recovery, don’t hesitate to ask for clarification on information he or she’s given you. Approach the topic in a way that makes it clear you’re as concerned about his or her wellbeing as workload.

Sample language:
“I’m not sure I understand what that means. Can you explain it to me?”
“What will the treatment involve for you?”

What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say: As a manager, you may not be used to feeling at a loss for words.  Expressing your uncertainty doesn’t weaken your position as a manager; rather, it increases your “human-ness” to employees.

Sample language:
 “I’m not sure what to say.”
“I’m new to this experience, but I’ll work with you to figure out some solutions.”
“I really care about your wellbeing and this has thrown me for a loop”
“I’m feeling unsure how to approach this topic. Maybe you can help me out?”

How to Express Your Concern: Empathize, but avoid pity.

Sample language:
“It must be very scary for you.”
“This must be difficult to deal with.”

How to approach work issues. You want to handle matters delicately and not jump to conclusions, but it’s also part of your job to find out how your employee’s illness will affect his or her job performance. Start by reiterating that you’re a team and encourage your employee to make suggestions.

Sample language:
“I want you to know we’re going to approach this as a team and do whatever we can to support you.”
“We want to keep your stress to a minimum.”
“Let’s take a look at what’s on your plate and how you think we should handle it.”
“What are your suggestions for making things easier for you?”
“What do you feel capable of handling right now?”
“It’s important to me that you feel comfortable with whatever arrangements we make.”

How to keep communications open. Strong communication is an ongoing process. As is treatment for cancer – which means your employee’s feelings, energy and attitude may change over time. There’s always the possibility that the physical and emotional tolls of cancer and its treatment will begin to show in your employee’s performance. If you see changes, address them directly:

Sample language:
“How do you feel about the plans we made? Are our arrangements still working for you?”
“I know this is a very difficult time. You don’t seem like yourself. Let’s talk about how I can help you.”
 

What Not to Say

Don’t give advice. Just listen.

Don’t try to cheer him or her up. Although you may mean well, telling your employee to cheer up may minimize his or her feelings. Avoid clichés, such as “things could be worse” and “time heals all.” It’s natural to want to bring comfort by saying things like, “Everything will get better” or “things will work out” but you don’t know if that’s true.

Don’t discount feelings. If he or she says they're scared, worried or anxious, don’t tell them not to be. Most of all, don’t say that you understand how they feel. Unless you’ve been through cancer, you don’t.

Don’t make judgments. Your employee may look haggard, but don’t jump to conclusions. Even if you’re alarmed and concerned about performance, simply express your concern until you have the time to observe and assess the situation.

Don’t share stories. Everyone knows someone who’s had cancer but, sharing such information shifts focus away from the employee and threatens to minimize what he or she has to say.

Don’t push lulls. Lags in conversation are natural and while we tend to feel uncomfortable, silence can be productive. Let your employee lead the conversation. When in doubt, say nothing…and let your employee take the lead.