HOW TO APPROACH YOUR EMPLOYER

As a working caregiver, you have plenty of company. More than 44 million Americans, or 21% of the adult population, are giving care to an adult age 18 or above, according to a report released April, 2004 by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP, funded by MetLife Foundation. Of those, 59% reported they worked and managed caregiving duties at the same time. Most of that 59% work fulltime, only 11% said they worked parttime.

And more than six in 10 working caregivers say their caregiving responsibilities have affected their work.

Getting Comfortable with Needing Help

Even given the fact that you have plenty of company, sometimes asking for help isn't easy. It may be particularly difficult if you have been an independent, working woman for many years, or even just a few years.

Mental health experts say you can mentally adjust to the need to ask for help with some effort. Here are some tips:

• Look at the big picture. Everyone needs help sometime.
• Consider the times you've pitched in at work to help. You were probably happy to do so. Coworkers who are close to you, in particular, or a boss who is fond of you, might feel less helpless and frustrated about your sick loved one if they can help ease the burden of your caregiving role.
• When you ask for help, learn to pose the request graciously. Depending on how well you know the coworker or boss, you might begin by giving them an "out," such as: If this request doesn't work out, it is OK. I will find a way.

Anticipate the Impact--and your need for help

While the needs of every caregiver is a bit different, there are typical problems encountered by many working caregivers, according to the "Caregiving in the U.S." survey funded by MetLife Foundation released in April 2004.

When they polled the 935 caregivers who worked while caregiving, 57% said they had to go in late, leave early or take time off, not surprisingly, to perform their caregiving tasks.

--Other ways caregiving impacted, but less commonly, included:

--Need to take a leave of absence, reported by 17%

--Need to switch from fulltime to part-time work, reported by 10%

--Need to quit entirely, 6%

--Lost some job benefits, reported by 5%

--Need to turn down promotion, 4%

--Decision to opt for early retirement, 3%.

Depending on your job and duties, you might anticipate the impact caregiving is likely to have on your job and think about how you can ask your employer to help you fulfill both your tasks as a worker and as a caregiver.

Expect Support

Exactly what level of support will depend on a variety of factors, including perhaps how large your company is and whether others have walked in your shoes.

Smaller companies may be more responsive to workers with caregiver needs, some experts say. That may be because the company has a "family" feel or, on a more practical matter, your boss has to see you in the lunch room or at the water cooler or in the Monday morning meeting, so it's more personal than a large corporation, where the supervisor who makes the decision about support for your personal needs may not see you for weeks.

The level of support for caregiving in larger corporations varies, experts say. But in almost all cases, if someone in the executive ranks has had a personal experience with caregiving a loved one with cancer or other health problems, the atmosphere is often friendlier. After a personal experience, an executive may work more closely with human resources to provide support to others with caregiving duties.

Some companies respond to employees' requests for help with caregiving, so if you are lucky enough to work for one of these worker-friendly companies, speak up. One company put together a "telephonic" support group when workers requested it. It was, as the name implies, a support group that met via telephone.

Attitude is Everything

No one would dispute your life is suddenly tough, maybe even impossible. It's like you have at least two fulltime jobs, or it can feel that way.

Statistics suggest that feeling isn't without basis. In the "Caregiving in the U.S." survey released in April 2004, the authors report that one in five caregivers said they provide more than 40 hours of care each week, and for some, that was in addition to working a 40-plus hour workweek at their job.

Even though the demands on you are incredible, try not to dwell on your caregiving obligations. With more than 44 million Americans providing care to other adults, chances are good that you're not the only one in the workplace who spends off-duty hours as a caregiver.

If coworkers ask about your loved one, provide a succinct update. But don't go on and on. And don't provide running commentary every day about treatments needed, the time you put in, your exhaustion or other personal information.

Think about how to manage best so your caregiving duties impact others at the job as little as possible. Easier said than done, but it's a good principle to keep in mind. For instance, you might integrate your work calendar with your caregiving calendar. That will minimize the chances that you'll agree to take your loved one to a treatment or doctor's appointment, then later find out an important work meeting has been scheduled for the same time.

Drawing the Line Between Work and Caregiving

Don't make personal phone calls to check on your loved one's treatment, doctor's visits, insurance matter or other issues during work time unless it's an absolute emergency. Instead, block off break time or lunch time to do that, making a clear distinction between work issues and caregiving tasks.

Your coworkers and supervisor will respect you for that, and you may get more help in return when you need it. It will probably also help you focus more on the task at hand if you stick to one task at a time.

The Appreciation Factor

Be aware that others are picking up the slack for you, whether they are doing it in a spirit of generosity or with resentment because they were asked to take on extra duties by the boss and felt they had no choice.

Be sure to reward and appreciate the kindness of your coworkers, whether they show support for you just by asking how you are doing or pitch in by taking over your projects without complaining.

You might schedule an "appreciation" lunch or dinner when your duties as caregiver let up a bit. It might even be a backyard barbecue at your home, or a pizza night in your TV room.

Or, if you are pressed for time, consider how you can express gratitude with a minimum of effort, such as:

• Write an old-fashioned thank-you note, not an email. Put it on fancy or pretty stationery to communicate a "special" feeling to the recipient.
• Stop by the market on the way to work and treat your coworkers to sweet rolls or morning coffee as a thank-you.
• If a couple of people have been especially supportive, give them a small gift in private. It can be something that you can buy at the neighborhood drug store and wrap quickly, such as a coffee mug for their desk or a desk top picture frame they can use to show off their family members.

When your caregiving responsibilities are over, consider finding out if someone else might need help with the stress of caregiving. Or, volunteer to take on a special project, as a token of appreciation for the flexibility given to you in your time of need.

Alternative Options If Your Workplace Isn't Supportive

While many workers find their employers and their coworkers all too happy to pitch in, take up the slack, and provide a loving atmosphere for those who are caring for a loved one with cancer, that's not the case for everyone.

In fact, many employers ignore challenges workers encounter at home in their caregiving duties, according to a poll by BenefitNews.com. When asked how many of their employees had family caregiving duties, 62% of employers said they did not know, because it was not their business to know.

That thinking is folly, of course, since the MetLife report found that more than 44 million Americans are caregiving for adults age 18 and over-and 59% of them are also working.

If you find your employer and coworkers less than supportive of your need to provide care for a loved one with cancer, there are ways to cultivate support-or, if that fails, to go it alone without feeling totally alone.

First, be sure you are getting all the help you are entitled to, under your company's policy about caregiving and under legal protection such as the Family and Medical Leave Act. (For more on FMLA, see: http://www.cancerandcareers.org/women/paperwork/medical_leave/).

Find a buddy--The next step might be to find just one supportive person, experts suggest. A coworker who has provided care for a loved one with cancer might be that person, or someone who is caring for an elderly parent and shares some of your challenges.

Feeling like you have just one person on your side at work can make the difference between feeling optimistic and feeling defeated.

You can exchange tips or successes and failures with that person. The supportive atmosphere may catch on as other co workers find out you're not the only one facing caregiving challenges.

Reach out for other help--Even if no one at work seems willing or able to help you out, there are other ways to bolster support for yourself. Besides taking advantage of the services offered by your human resources and EAP, you can keep information flowing just by making a few simple phone calls or surfing the internet.

• Become part of a larger caregiving group and get your support there. For instance, you could join a group at your community hospital or an online group. For additional information, check out virtual groups at www.cancercare.organd at http://www.cancerlinksusa.com, among others.
• Keep up on caregiving news, tips and advice. The Family Caregiver Alliance (www.caregiver.org)publishes three newsletters and posts research, news and advice. The National Alliance for Caregiving posts tips and reports (www.caregiving.org)For instance, the fulltext of the "Caregiving in the U.S." report is available for downloading free from the site.

Keep an eye on yourself-- Of course you'll stay in touch with your doctor if you think caregiving is putting a physical strain, and you'll mention to your support group leader or therapist any undue mental strain or emotional problems. You can also access online tools to keep track of your health status. Among them, two from the American Cancer Society site, www.cancer.org,that assesses anxiety levels and depression. For additional information: www.cancer.org/depression quiz.

Manage your time better--You may feel you can't cram anything else into your day, but if you step back, you may find ways to conserve time and thus reduce stress, even if you are lacking support from your employer. It might be as simple as remembering to combine errands, to shop closer to home to save time or even hiring out some services you used to do yourself, such as cutting the lawn or cleaning the house. If finances are a concern and you live by a university, you might obtain such services for less money by hiring a college student.

Try to take a break--If you can't take an actual vacation, try to squeeze in mini-vacations--even if it's just going to dinner and the movies for an evening and arranging for someone else to cover your caregiving tasks until you return.

SOURCES:

John Paul Marosy, President of Bringing Elder Care Home, Worcester, Ma., and caregiver for his late father, who died of cancer.

Andrea Booth, independent consultant, New Jersey and Southern California

"Caregiving in the U.S.," National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP, April 2004, funded by MetLife Foundation.